1) The plastic covers on the living-room couch were there for my own safety.

2) Soccer camp was just a way for them to meet young couples, trying to spice up their love lives, to bring home and fuck.

3)That weird smell in my house that my friends always complained about was a combination of the industrial size drum of spermicidal lube, in the cupboard under the staircase, and the veritable mishmash of still-drying bodily fluids forever embedded in the basement carpeting.

4) Only Dionysus himself could outlast my father in an wine-fueled all-night fuck-a-thon.

5) Swinging probably played a large role in my mother’s first place finish in our local hot dog eating competition, every year.

6) There is a very real possibility that Dusty Dave is my father.

7) My mom was definitely kicked out of my middle school PTA for telling everyone she cuckolded the principal by going down on his wife at her Halloween themed “Night of the Giving Head” orgy, not accidentally donating pot brownies to the annual bake-sale fundraiser.