SAN FRANCISCO, CA — After being forced to purchase generic brand Greek yogurt, Local man Tim Howard, 39, started a vlog entry that would cascade into a 10 minute long rampage against capitalism, the United States government, and Chobani. “This is what happens when you let money run everything,” fumed Howard, “first the big corporations come in with all their capital and resources and start undercutting mom and pop shops, then next thing you know — boom — we’re all drinking Flint water.”

Howard’s dissent continued, unhinged, for several more minutes; globs of Greek yogurt spattered over the dash of his 2012 Kia Sorento. Several Passersby looked on unnerved as Howard, frothing at the mouth, wailed on his steering wheel. “WHAT’S THE GODDAMN POINT IF WE CAN’T EVEN GET THE THINGS WE WANT WHEN WE WANT THEM?! IF THE GOVERNMENT IS GOING TO FUCK US ALL — LONG AND HARD, EVERYDAY — WE SHOULD AT LEAST BE ABLE TO GET GOOD PRODUCE, NOT THIS SECOND RATE, NAMELESS, HALF-THE-YOGURT-GETS-STUCK-TO-THE-LID, TASTELESS, BULLSHIT,” bellowed Howard as the color returned to his face. At press time Howard could been seen in the fetal position in the back seat of his car at a rest stop, licking the remaining yogurt from the lid of the container.