DAYTON, OH – As local man, Nathan Harris, 45, prepares for his meal the all-too-familiar pop of a Tums, ultra strength 1000, value pack can be heard throughout his favorite Denny’s. “I used to take them like normal people — whenever I got heartburn — but then I had the genius idea to take them BEFORE eating stuff that bothers me; it just made sense. Now, I take them just in case,” said Harris as the dust from his recently opened Tums value pack settled on the table around him.
Harris, who is a regular at the small town’s fast-food restaurants, is known by the waitstaff only as “Chalky Nate.” “His body probably doesn’t have the ability to regulate how much stomach acid it produces anymore,” marveled Jason Freeman, a waiter at the casual dining establishment. At press time Harris could be seen attempting to purchase a palette of Ultra Strength 1000 Tums from a nearby Costco.
