WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump took to the podium last night in a press conference, which, quite frankly, shocked almost no one. “Listen up people, we’ve got a very bad, bad, situation on our hands — it’s terrible. There are snakes — the worst, illegal, snakes — in our backyards, okay — and people come to me all the time saying ‘oh the snakes, Donald please do something about the snakes’ I tell them, look — it’s my duty to listen to the people,” Trump preached to a crowd of Breitbart reporters, frothing at mouth.

“The United States of America will no longer celebrate St. Patrick’s Day; Instead, we now recognize a new, better, holiday: Lord Trump Day — it’s going to be a newer, bigger, wilder, better holiday, folks. I am America’s St. Patrick, and I will get rid of the snakes!” roared Trump, as he waved his hands in the air, coercing his alt-right cronies into a seizure-like frenzy.

At press time white house aids could be seen fervorously feeding Steve  buffalo wings and raw oysters, the official snacks of Lord Trump Day.