CHICAGO, IL — After receiving what can only be described as pristine and highly attentive service, at a well established local watering hole, Allen Bradley, 24, had the courage to leave  just 4 dollars on a $60 dollar bill. “I mean the service was good and everything, but I felt like the food could have been better,” remarked Bradley, who was asked how his meal was on at least four separate occasions, throughout his dinning experience.

Bradley, apparently unaware that wait staff are in no way directly involved of the cooking of their customers’ meals, sought to teach his server a lesson: “Just like the free market, restaurants owners respond when a group of people [who know nothing about the industry, or its inner-workings] make a commentary on its performance.” Bradley, who apparently feels no shame for having completely screwed over the entirety of the waitstaff, for which there is a pooled house, cites the waiters inattentiveness to his ‘non-verbal’ queues as the primary reason for his decision to tip poorly. “I mean its not easy to look someone in the eye and say ‘Thank you for the lovely meal.’ and completely stiff them when it comes to their livelihood — it takes guts.”

At press time, a server overheard Bradley telling his date: “What kind of place doesn’t at least give you an amuse bouche?! They’re definitely going to regret that!”