New York, NY — Mayor Bill De Blasio came out in celebration this past week, after New York City was named the best city in the world for grooming paranoid schizophrenics.  “We’ve been working towards this for quite sometime, and we’re just so excited that our efforts, as a city, have been finally been recognized,” De Blasio said, uncorking a bottle of champagne, spraying several city officials.

De Blasio confirmed that there were many parties responsible in helping the city achieve this great honor.  “This has been a long term, multi-faceted operation, no municipality could have done this on their own. All of us really came together to make this city the best place for bringing out the inner schizophrenic in the population. You can’t even begin to imagine how hard it’s been for teachers to drown out the guilt of ignoring their students’ tell-tale signs of mental illness by watching another episode of Master of None on Netflix — or the struggle of poorly trained, nervous, rookie police officers as they escalate situations that deal with those who suffer from mental illness.” De Blasio said, voice trembling.

This award signifies a lot for the Big Apple. For years, the city’s residents knew there was something special about the place they call home – now they can finally hold their heads high and say: “this is the best place to be, if I want to slowly lose touch with reality, my sense of humanity, and become an empty husk of the person I once was.”

At press time, commuters could be seen doing everything in their power to ignore a victim of schizophrenia, in clear need of psychiatric attention,  screaming “Mary had a little lamb” to his imaginary daughter, in their subway car.