JACKSONVILLE, FL — Local man Andy Hodge went about his week seemingly unaware of the devastation the deep, dark, crevasse betwixt his lumbering, thunder-thighs was wreaking all around him. “I don’t want to look, but I can’t stop — it’s like staring into the eye of Sauron — it’s consuming me,” commented Andre Leffler, 27, an unfortunate patron in the Subway sandwich shop Hodge happened to waddle into. “he’s not even bending over or anything,” remarked Cynthia Tahm, another horrified onlooker, “It’s like a cat’s asshole, just always at eye level, no matter where you look.”

At press time, Hodge released a statement, aimed at families and young children, apologizing for causing so much pain and discomfort. As he left the stage, a lengthy piece of toilet tissue could be seen hanging from his, still over exposed, intergluteal cleft.