WASHINGTON, D.C. — This week, over 100 senators, from 46 states, gathered on Capitol Hill to question Facebook creator, and CEO, Mark Zuckerberg, in a joint committee hearing titled “Facebook, Social Media Privacy, and the Use and Abuse of Data.” The purpose of the hearing, as its title suggests, was to explore the data abuse controversies surrounding the social media giant’s platform; namely, the propagation of fake news during the 2016 U.S. presidential election, and, more recently, Cambridge Analytica’s improper access and use of nearly 87 million user’s private data.
However, the nature and tone of the hearing took a rather surprising turn, as lawmakers turned the hearing into an all-out IT troubleshooting extravaganza. “I don’t want anyone to steal my cookies, can they do that? And are cookies stored on my device or in my email?” a disconcerted Lindsey Graham (R-SC) asked the 33-year-old CEO. “–And where is the cloud?!” added Orrin G. Hatch (R-UT), on a completely unrelated note. While many Senators failed to comprehend the subtleties and nuances of web-based technology, others struggled with the basics. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) went so far as to ask Zuckerberg for help setting up a printer
The increasingly chaotic buzz of invalid technology questions, coming from multiple senators at once, eventually took its toll on the young CEO. A brief recess was called just as Zuckerberg began to show physical signs of disgust and nausea. The focus of the hearing shifted once again after the recess. This time Senators wanted to know Facebook’s plan for fixing every major issue that stems from their inability to pass impactful legislation, in any way shape or form, on topics ranging from gun control and health care, to abortion and tax reform.
The joint Committee of the Judiciary, Commerce, Science, and Transportation ended their questioning with a request. Asking that Mark Zuckerberg, and Facebook, simply solve all the issues facing currently facing the nation. “Please, just take all this off our plates Mr. Chairman. We have no idea what we’re doing — and with every passing day our collective conscience, as lawmakers, slips further and further into a state of ethereal dissonance — you would be doing our nation a great favor.” The request delivered by Senator Chuck Grassley (R-IA) was accompanied by a comically large hallmark appreciation card, signed by all joint committee members, which simply read “we <3 the Zuck!”
At press time, one lawmaker, who preferred to remain anonymous, told our sources that the true purpose of the hearing was to coerce the nation into a relaxed state by giving the appearance of concern, whilst underhandedly passing a bill, with a misleading name, that does just the opposite of what its name indicates.
