WASHINGTON D.C. — Following President Trump’s decision to pull out of the Paris Agreement earlier this month, the Census Advisory Committee released a special report declaring phantom coal miners as the nation’s most catered to special interest group. The report, released last week, claims that the phantom nation, consisting of over 500,000 poltergeists, phantoms, or otherwise ethereal beings have had a greater impact on public policy than any non-etherious special interest group — including actual coal miners. “Haaaaaaassssssgghhhhh ffffftt,” said Jon Kozscit a spokes-phantom for the self-proclaimed Phantom Nation, pleased with the progress of his ghostly campaign against mine safety.

Kevin Burke, a representative for United Mine Workers of America, has been battling Kozscit for some time now, claiming that the roll backs on mine safety regulations pose a threat to union member’s safety, citing their non-ethereal state as evidence. “This deregulation promotes mine collapses, which affect the living in a very real way — I mean you don’t see us pushing for more planar gates and tachyon phasers in the mines to put the P.N. guys in danger,” Burke said in a pathetic attempt to appeal to the humanity of the American people. At press time the vast majority of the American public, not involved in the mining sector, could be seen giving up on the political system and just everything in general.