NEW YORK, NY — Mayor Bill de Blasio was pleased to announce a new fleet of hybrid electric taxis this week, capable of achieving upwards of 85 miles per gallon and the most advanced, non-responsive touch screen to-date. “These vehicles are the future,” de Blasio bellowed, enthusiastically. “Their fuel efficiency and touch-screen-unresponsiveness are unmatched.”

The new fleet of taxis were seemingly designed without the passenger’s needs in mind. Those who attended the press conference, were perplexed by the live demo: “It seemed like he [de Blasio] turned the volume off and on at least 6 times, but he definitely only wanted to turn it off once, and he had to really press and hold the sleep button to get it to turn off,” commented avid yellow cab user Alicia Grant, 27. Despite disconcerting reviews from both the press and the public de Blasio remains hopeful for the new taxis and their only-slightly-more-sophisticated-than-a-cellphone-from-2007 tech. “I believe the taxi’s core user base, namely drunks, are really going to be pleased with the features that come with this new fleet. The classic game snake is available for play during your ride, for example; and the glorious, 480p resolution, ultra unresponsive, screen is sure to drive you absolutely insane, when the only thing you want to do is drunkenly stumble into your apartment and pass out.” One reviewer even went so far as to claim the taxi’s screen was “less sensitive than my alcoholic father…and that’s a lot.”

At press time, Mayor de Blasio made good on his promise to increase traffic levels in the city, by announcing his plan to install large pillars in the middle of major cross-town intersections.