United Headquarters, Chicago, IL — A new travel program, announced this morning, by United Airlines CEO, Oscar Munoz, will afford customers cheaper flights in exchange for a life-time of obedient servitude, to United Airlines and its affiliates. At first glance, it may seem as if customers have drawn the short straw; however, those who choose to fly as a “non-offical united team member”, as Munoz described it, will experience massive savings – between $50.00 and $100.00 USD each flight – in addition to legally becoming the property of United Airlines.

“We are very excited about bringing new customers to united by making our flights more affordable. United marketing experts have long known that air travel can be financially stressful. We’re hoping the introduction of this travel bracket will provide those with less means an affordable air-travel solution,” Munoz said, sporting a massive, profit-induced, erection.

While many of the details of the program are still unknown, a working list of participant responsibilities has been made available to the public after the press conference (see below).

• Participants shall clean the cabin interior, restrooms and cockpit before exiting the aircraft.
• Participants shall distribute, beverages, snacks, meals, at the appropriate times during their journey. In addition to fulfilling any other responsibility previously fulfilled by flight attendants.
• Participants shall serve as a foot rest for United Premiere Gold Club Flyers, upon request.
• Participants shall remain on-call, to serve United Airlines in any endeavor, henceforth and until the end of time, including, but not limited to: in-fight amenities, customer service, check-in services, baggage handling, and serving in a private militia, until deemed unfit for service or United (or one of its affiliates) have deemed participant services as no longer necessary.

Although there is buzz and excitement surrounding the indentured servant travel program, some have raised questions over the ethicality of the program, citing the first and thirteenth amendments as basis for a legal argument to eliminate the program. Despite the threat of legal action, United CEO reaffirmed his confidence in the success of the new program. “We’ve been sitting on this for a long time, and our market research shows that in today’s political climate, this is a surefire thing – If they can do it in prisons, we should be able to do it in the sky.”

At press time, Delta Airlines announced plans to introduce “Punch-you-in-the-face-until-we’re-satisfied-your-flight-is-worth-what-you-paid-for-it Air” alongside American Airlines’, boldly named, “Slave Travel” as competing services.